Vicodin, the great pain reliever.

   The kids first day back to school was a doozie. So crazy in fact that by the end of the day I needed a Vicodin. The craziness began with my off-road parking in the morning when I walked them into the school and to their classes. Crazy, yes. Unexpected, no. It’s always an ordeal on the first day of school. So I deal with that, only to come home to an ordeal of another kind. It was called Find The Car Keys That The Two Year Old Hid Because Her Father Didn’t Put Them Where They Belong. Or FTCKTTTYOHBHFDPTWTB if you want to abbreviate it. We played that fun game for the better part of an hour until Jerry found the hidden keys in a desk drawer. Unfortunately for him he checked there after the trashcan. That’ll teach him. If wading through yesterday’s garbage doesn’t make him change his habit of just putting his keys any ‘ole place I don’t think anything will. We shall see.

   Fast forward a few hours and it’s now 2 o’clock and time to go get the kids from school. Before leaving the house I ask Ella no less than 3 times if she needs to go potty’s. Each time she says no. Why I took a three year old’s word when I KNEW she needed to go is beyond me. I assumed after a year of being potty trained that she’s got a handle on her own bodily functions. A mistake I’m still shaking my head at today. Because no sooner then I clicked my seatbelt after strapping both her and her sister in their car seat’s I hear a tiny voice from the back saying “Mommy, I need to go potty’s!” Seriously kid? You live for this stuff don’t you? So I ask her to hold it. Partly because I don’t want to be stuck at the tail end of the massive line I know is already forming at the school and partly because it’s 8000 degrees outside and I can’t leave Emery in the hot car while I take Ella potty’s. Taking them both in would be a 30 minute process too, so ix-nay to that. So yep, you gotta hold it kid.

  On average we sit in the car line for about 15-20 minutes before the older two are picked up, buckled in and we leave the school. On this day we sit for 54 MINUTES! Outrageous. It was a disorganized, bumper-car inducing mess. I’ve sat in traffic jams on the highway that took less time to clear then that carpool line did yesterday. By the time I finally had Kayley and Caleb in the car Caleb was a hot sweaty mess from sitting outside and roasting that whole time. Poor fella.

   So I took them by DQ really quick to get a slushy drink so they could cool off and sip that while we waited for my doctor appointment that was scheduled just a few minutes later. Over the weekend I developed this swollen mass about half way down the back side of my left ear. And it huuuuurrtttttssssss. I can’t emphasize the pain enough. I slept only a few hours over the weekend because of the pain and by Monday morning I couldn’t schedule a doctor appointment fast enough. Luckily they could get me in. At 3:15. With all four kids who were either fed up from waiting in the car to go potties or from waiting out in the sun for the parking lot to be cleared. Fun times.

   So finally I have all four children with me in the small room meant to contain 3-4 people tops and our beloved doctor is examining me while Ella and Emery play at her feet and cling to her legs. And then Dr. Amazing does something she’s never done to us before. She leaves the room quickly with a “I’ll be right back” thrown over her shoulder as she leaves. She comes back soon after to tell me that I have mastoiditis and she had called a local ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) Dr. and that he wants to see me NOW! She explains that this is a very serious bacterial infection that can quickly progress to meningitis, brain infections and death. So I need to “leave, go, he’s waiting on you now!”

  Fantastic. I now need to take my four children who are DONE withall of this and just want to go home and we need to head to another doctor’s office and find out how close I am to dying. Dramatic, yes. But also a true story. I called the hubs, who works nearby and he was able to meet me at the second appointment so that he could watch the kids while I had a nice little freak out session with the ENT doctor. I’m getting kinda wordy here so I’ll wrap this up quick. Dr. Love (I’ll explain why I now love him in another post later this week) checked me out with all of his cool ear gadgets and confirmed the mastoiditis but thankfully it was caught before hospitalization and surgery were required. He prescribed an extremely strong antibiotic that should hopefully clear this junk up but has a side effect of increased odds of muscle tendon’s tearing. Universe, I’m begging you now, PLEASE SPARE THE TENDONS! Also prescribed were the oh so lovely Vicodin that I can only take at night because of how sleepy they make me. After taking the kids to go wait at the pharmacy, it was now past dinner time and approaching the third hour of our post school insanity. I needed that Vicodin more than ever.

I'm baaacccckkkkk

    So this summer blogging and all other social media took a big back seat to the fun and lazy days of summer. We did all of the usual summery stuff like swimming, cooking out, visiting a water park for an hour before they closed it due to storms, and raving the nights away with glow sticks and music blaring while shaking our booty’s. Speaking of, Emery officially has more rhythm than I do. Her love of sauerkraut and penchant for speaking words that end in “ich” came straight from her Momma’s strong German heritage. But those hips of hers have more Latin flavor than our favorite Mexican restaurant. Girlfriend loves to shake it!
   
   But now the buses are once again rolling and the backpacks are packed. Both kids kept their backpacks from last year to use again. Obviously Caleb will outgrow his cute toddler size one after this year but hopefully Kayley can make hers last for awhile. I’m not going to bet on it though given the way she packs more in that thing than a hoarder going on a camping trip. If an impromptu survival mission comes up in class my money’s on Kayley. Her snacks, water bottle, school supplies and ingenuity should ensure she eats well while constructing a shelter out of paper, scissors, glue and three ring binders. I bet the folders will make awesome plates.

    The first day outfit choices are usually a lengthy process around here but this year they were surprisingly painless and easy. It helps that Kayley is able to pull together her own outfits for the most part now. Gone are the years where she would hold up striped leggings, a polo shirt, the dress shoes she wore in a wedding the year before, and a gymnastics’ hair scrunchy in all its 80’s glory. That kids a pro now at picking out tacky day outfits.  

    The kids school is thoughtful enough to provide all kindergarteners with matching t-shirts that herald the welcome of this milestone in an oversized, brightly colored wave of neon green. Thank you school, your too kind. They encourage the parent’s to dress their child in this on the first day and me being the follower that I am, I do it. Even though the brown polo, shorts and belt we had picked out is begging to be modeled. Oh well there’s always tomorrow.

  The shirts say Class of 2024. That just sounds so futuristic to me. Didn’t the Jetson’s live in that time period? According to Wikipedia they lived in 2064. So I bet by 2024 we’ll be flying to Caleb’s graduation in a hover craft and our home will be spotless for the guests thanks to our robot Rosie.

  We got to school and fought the insanity that is known as first day parking lot road rage and parent’s who aren’t familiar with the system used to route the traffic. Rookies. Once I abandoned hope for a parking spot and created my own parking on the side of the curb (extreme off-roading!) we made our way into the school. Poor Caleb looked like he was moving in as he made his way into school with his backpack on, nap blanket in one arm and his sleep mat tucked up under the other arm. I would have offered to help but I was too busy wiping tears and taking pictures. Plus he’s a big boy now and doesn’t need help. Cue the extra Kleenex. We followed the dragon feet that lead from the entrance to his hall while he greeted teachers and friends that were made last year in pre-k.

  He quickly found his seat and started making new friends and catching up with old ones while he colored and I hovered waiting for him to show some sign that he wanted to blow the joint and be home schooled instead. Once I realized he was happy there for today I gathered the will to leave but not before I said a little prayer. It went like this: Dear Lord, I pray that you watch over my son and help him to play nicely, make friends and follow the rules. Also, I pray that you protect him from the freaky red-eyed and pantless bear. It scares me. A lot. Amen.

  We said our good byes and I went to deliver my fourth grader to her classroom. Which just blows my effin’ mind. FOURTH GRADE! Isn’t fourth grade when you start registering for the SAT’S and looking for after school jobs so you can get a car? I vividly remember that day six years ago when I anxiously prepared her for her first day of pre-k, knowing she would be fine and that everyone she met would love her but being scared of all the unknowns. What if some kid made fun of her? What if she fell on the playground and got hurt? Would the teachers recognize if she wasn’t feeling good? And more importantly would they call me or make her wait until she went home? That year flew by and was better than I could have ever hoped it would be. And now she’s one of the big kids in school, so big in fact that I no longer need to take her picture as she sits in her desk for the first time this year. Apparently that's no longer cool. Whatev's kid, I'll just pop back in and catch you at lunch instead. Say Cheese! With only one more year left after this before middle school begins and I price out chastity belts, lie detector kits, tracking systems and anti-anxiety meds. I should probably start on that now it sounds pricey. Maybe I’ll catch a deal on Ebay.