June 16, 2011

Parenting 101

Below are some random musings on parenting in general for you to enjoy or mock. Your call. Either way my list is sure to grow regardless.

Parenting 101

  • The best time to engage the child door lock is before you even bring that precious bundle of joy home from the hospital. Otherwise you chance forgetting about it until a year later when all the sudden you hear the thump of a handle being pulled while your driving 70 mph down the hwy.
  • Daughters on the brink of puberty don’t have the willpower to refrain from spraying half a bottle of perfume on themselves. Save yourself the agony and monitor their perfume application much like you would a narcotic cough syrup that is locked away and dispensed under heavy supervision. (This is probably true for boys who have begun to discover girls, but I’ve got a few more years until I can test that theory out)
  • When in doubt on any aspect of caring for a child think of how you would deal with it if you were caring for your pet, a drunk, or the elderly. Chances are the answer will come to you.
  • Magic Erasers are your best friend.
  • If your child is one of those kids that throws fits in public when they don’t get their way and you either lack the capability or the desire to keep them under control then do everyone a favor and keep them at home. And then make sure you use birth control and are saving away bail money for future arrests. Cause one of y’all are getting locked up eventually.
  • The best time to introduce your child to vegetables and healthy eating is from their very first bites of solid foods. And if you one day you find yourself arguing with your offspring about the merits of eating vegetables just remember who’s the boss and take away all unhealthy snacks until they begin to eat their veggies. Or dress them in baggier, too large clothing the next day and tell them they must be shrinking from not eating their veggies. Whichever works best for you.
  • You can never take too many pictures of your children. Ever.
  • When debating on whether or not to take your child to the hospital for a mysterious illness, or minor injury a good google search can be immeasurably helpful in helping you make the final decision. Clicking on the images tab though will result in a trip to the ER every time.
  • Never underestimate the power of a good bribe. Or a reward based incentive  as I like to call them.
  • Kids, much like dogs, can smell fear. Never show fear.
  • You should always be your child’s biggest advocate. Don’t be afraid to stand up for your child against others. Especially at Wal-Mart.
  • Always check for soccer and baseball cleats at a good consignment store first. Chances are they have some in like new condition since kids feet grow so fast and you can save you some of your hard earned money.
  • Keeping your children involved in a sport of some sort will teach them invaluable lessons in character, sportsmanship, and will give them a sense of community. Meanwhile you can bask in the fellowship of the other parents on the sidelines. Its like soccer with a side of therapy!
  • When planning a family outing in a crowded place adopt field trip rules complete with a buddy system and coordinating outfits. That way it’s easier to pick your child out in a crowd AND they photograph better. SCORE!
  • Clean out where your children sit in the car frequently and well. Or be prepared to consult with the CDC on what type of fungus is growing beneath their car seat.
  • Please, for the love of all that’s holy, always buckle your children into the proper car seat, booster seat, or seat belt. If you’re an idiot who doesn’t buckle, that’s on you. They at least deserve a chance to survive if a wreck should happen.
  • When it comes to parenting (and life in general) you should always say what you mean and mean what you say.
  • At some point in life your child will be smarter than you. It's called evolotion. And you will probably curl into a ball and cry when that day comes.
  • Having the number for a good therapist WILL come in handy at some point in one of your lives. Better to research them now and save the number away then to wait for later when alcohol will likely be a factor in your decision making process.

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